If your mother named you this, you just might kill somebody
I’ve been trying to be understanding about this shit. I’ve been trying so very hard to be open-minded. Because I loves my people. Honest. I do. Because overall we are an amazing people, and history bears this out.
But sometimes, man…sometimes…
OK, I’ve been getting these emails forwarded to me from a buddy of mine who works at the Atlanta Journal Constitution. What these emails contain are basically the names of ‘folk’ who got themselves arrested in the Atlanta area. These arrests are real, but what’s way scarier than whatever crimes these folk of ours may have committed are the names they’ve been saddled with. Nobody should have to answer to names like this (if you can pronounce them), and being pregnant while on crack ain’t no excuse for thinking yo’ newborn baby looks like a little Quintarius.
Yes, that is a real name of a full grown crook, as you will see in just a moment.
You know, one of the reasons I’ve been going back and forth about posting these names (along with some pretty hilarious commentary) is that I know some folks who have some pretty outlandish names but who haven’t gotten so much as a parking ticket in their entire life. And their parents actually seemed sane, although I could never get up the courage to ask any of them why in God’s name they would name a child after a brand of liquor.
But saying all that to say I know having a crazy name doesn’t necessarily make you crazy, and it definitely is not a guaranteed prison sentence. Hell, some of the biggest crooks in history had some of the most ordinary names. Richard Nixon for instance. Or George Bush. Or Dick Cheney. And if you’re German (actually Austrian), I’m guessing Adolph Hitler isn’t all that unusual. Well, it may be a little unusual today, but before that sick twisted bastard started roasting Jews I doubt the mention of his name would have caused anyone to do a double take.
But I digress.
And so, with no further ado, I bring to you names to kill for. Or at least commit armed robbery.
And no, I ain’t got to be lyin’. These names – and the people attached to them – are as real as the first thing you saw when you woke up this morning.
DEJOUR MORRELL BROOKS, gwinnett, other offense
maybe that was idiot dejour…
QUINTARIUS CHAVEZ PARAMORE
BLAMEZY D EVANS
ALPHA OMEGA HOWARD
DRIVING WHILE LICENSE SUSPENDED OR REVOKED.
Carlos Jackson (not a silly name, but his momma must have dressed him in his kindergarten clothes, check out the lion on his shirt!)
OTIKA SHUNTAE LEWIS Charges: GIVING FALSE NAME/FALSE INFO TO POLICE
with a name like Otika, wouldn’t you?
KAWANIS TARVARUS BELL
and a whole FLOCK OF -AVIOUSES
QUINTAVIOUS D KINDREX
OCTAVIOUS WESLEY ELDER
DONTAVIOUS VANDEZ ATKINS
MONTAVIUS ANTOINE HUFF
QUADAVIOUS SENIOR (no tellling about junior)
DISRUPTING PUBLIC SCHOOL
O’NIAH ANTIJUAN MITCHELL (dude)
WYAUNIA GEDRA DELKIA (seems to have lost her way)
LEVITICUS MARQUEZ JORDAN
an old testament kinda guy, arrested for failure to appear and a probation violation. broke one or more of the Ten i’m sure as well.
AREALOUS KENDRICK (who knows what his people were thinking!)
CHARKERIA TASIINNA REID
SHANDARRICK L BARNES
KENTAVIOUS DION PARKER http://www.dekalbmugs.com/?city=All&date=2009-03-06&id=1012158
Charges: ARMED ROBBERY
LOUEGIE UDEANEIOUS WEBB
Luigi u genius, wassamattawitchu?
FATHOM OLIVER, Charges:ROBBERY
he’s in deep trouble now
QUINTAVIOUS RASHAD MACKEY
can never have enough -aviouses
and not to make light of this shooting but yet ANOTHER -avious
Another man, Jaquavius Dillingham, 18, of Union City, suffered a non life-threatening gunshot wound (saturday night at a party in metro Atlanta).
other media reports described him as “an up and coming rapper.” what a surprise.
MARTINIK LAMONT GATES dude
GREGALANIECK L TAYLOR this is a woman
with this name, one or both of her parents were in the same business, smoking crack
WYKETCHA NIXON, DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE – ALCOHOL.
OBSTRUCTION OF OFFICERS
same here, ‘cept someone was drinking
MECHANNON SHANTE BARNARD
CILLICITI CARMICHAEL Charges: GIVING FALSE NAME/FALSE INFO TO POLICE
THEFT BY SHOPLIFTING
with a name like this, wouldn’t you? (this is a repeat offender, not gonna forget a name like silly putty!)
DKEITHA CHEVETTE JACKSON
at least there’s no apostrophe