Hustlas, playas, pimps tap Uncle Sam for bailout
I’m sorry but I just had to say something about this one. You know, sometimes there you are reading a story and you just say to yourself, “Damn.”
This is one one of those kinda stories, folks.
So anyway, Larry Flynt says that the porn industry needs a federal bailout. Just like Wall Street. Just like the Big Three. Because (sorry again but I just can’t resist) it’s hard out here for a pimp. Which, of course, pretty much describes Porn King Extraordinaire Larry Flynt as best you can. Same thing with Hugh Heffner for that matter. These two guys took pimping to a whole other level entirely that pretty much knocked Bishop Don Juan and all those other notorious lords of the flesh down to entry level playas.
Not hatin’ just sayin’.
And so now, apparently in an attempt to boost his pimping skills to heights that even Evel Knievel would run away from, Flynt strapped on a set of brass ones the size of twin Golden Globes and publicly stated that hey, how can the federal government bail out the engine without doing anything for the stick shift? So to speak. I mean, you can rev up that engine all you want pal, but if the stick is stuck in park, then where you goin’?
So seeing that his beloved industry was being left behind in the negotiations, Flynt wasted no time sounding the alarm.
“The take here is that everyone and their mother want to be bailed out from the banks to the big three,” said Owen Moogan, spokesman for Larry Flynt. “The porn industry has been hurt by the downturn like everyone else and they are going to ask for the $5 billion. Is it the most serious thing in the world? Is it going to make the lives of Americans better if it happens? It is not for them to determine.”
Of course, later on in the story Flynt admits that the porn industry actually isn’t doing anywhere near as bad as Wall Street or General Motors. Sure, CD sales are down a bit, but all-in-all, folks are just as horny as they wanna be, and don’t mind paying up for a little pick-me-up. A little sexual healin’. A little…well…you get the idea.
Still, as this piece in The Jan’Feb. 2009 Atlantic points out, porn is still in a bit of a slump, which is why the industry is now poised to seek investors. That’s right! You can now invest in smut, and what better industry with more growth potential could you hope to find anywhere? Check this out:
“Relatively small, fragmented, and unaccustomed to outside investment, the U.S. porn industry (which generated roughly $12 billion in 2007) is somewhat buffered from today’s credit crunch, but it has its own problems. Video sales have been falling by 15 percent a year since 2005, and online content doesn’t deliver the returns it used to, now that Web sites such as RedTube and PornHub basically give it away. Struggling companies need investors to help right their operations, and those that are thriving in a brutal market need funding for growth.”
There is financial salvation in sin! For a measly $5 billion Uncle Sam can put some real energy back in this economic engine. Turn that downturn into a rising spike! From limping along to Livin’ Large!
WHO KNEW? God I love this country.